Slidedc ([info]slidedc) wrote,
@ 2002-04-19 16:46:00
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Turning Corners
So you're strolling through life, turn a corner and fall into a pit. How long does it take you to realize that you're walking in the dark?

For me, just about 33 years! Isn't it odd that we can really be our own worst enemy? When I think of all the self-defeating crap I've filled my head with over the course of my life it makes me want to throw up.

"You're too fat"

"You're obnoxious"

"Its your fault"

"You'll never succeed"

Agggh.

Time to climb out of the pit I think. I've finally had enough. So, if you ever see that kinda crap showing up in my journal, call me on it. We all need a little encouragement from time to time.

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[info]legalmoose
2002-04-19 02:37 pm UTC (link)
*hugs*

(Reply to this)

I'm obnoxious :-)
[info]virtualexile
2002-04-19 02:41 pm UTC (link)
I always figured that my obnoxiousness was a good thing ;-)

Actually, nearly everybody is pretty tough on themselves, and engages in depressing self-talk from time to time. If you want to vent some of it your journal you go right ahead, and I'm sure Moose & I will respond, "hey, we like you no matter what you say." :-)

(Reply to this)

I have Attention Deficit Disorder
[info]mattieuperrin
2002-04-20 04:32 pm UTC (link)
One of the things that happen to me when I am stressed, down, or sick, is that my mind goes into endless negative thought cycles. They really drive me up the wall. On the positive side, all the negativity forces me to come up with a solution ASAP to put these haunting thoughts to rest.

As far as depression, I know what it is to have no self-esteem. I had to die as an entity before a new being was slowly born out of the ashes. There was absolutely there for me to raise me from the ashes. Anyway, tell me about where does YOUR low self esteem come from.

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Re: I have Attention Deficit Disorder
[info]slidedc
2002-04-21 06:46 am UTC (link)
I honestly think I was born with it -- This incessant drive to be better to prove myself worthy. And when things go wrong I assume its my fault. While growing up I was the "good" boy, the golden child, number one son. I was spoiled and indulged, but never thought I deserved any of it because somehow I knew that I was rotten. I never thought the outside matched the inside -- Like I was always playing a character rather than me. And a constant chameleon (No Boy George references please) -- Changing characters to suit the situation. Being and doing anything I thought would help me win the approval and acceptance of others.

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[info]rugbyguysb
2002-04-22 09:06 am UTC (link)
those thougts sound similar, maybe we can start a "group". God knows I've had them myself sometimes. For the record though, i don't think those are aspects of you.

(Reply to this)

Hi!
[info]ogun
2002-04-29 03:28 am UTC (link)
I just linked to your journal, and I will say that I'll be more than happy to bop you over the head if you try to turn goth on us.
While I was at one point shy, I worked past that and somehow in the process killed that part of the brain that encompasses that whole 'shame' concept.
So I have absolutely no problem telling you stuff.
I'm pulling in a quick line from Jeffery- 'Of course, I don't know you, maybe you should have low self esteem.'
Seriously, though- this is a problem that a lot of people face, most especially gay males. A huge portion of us spent such a huge time ashamed of our 'dark and dirty secret' that we had it into our brains that there's something wrong with us, fundamentally, and saying we're too fat, or ugly,or whatever, is often an expression of the central unhappiness that is without cause. Unfortunately, the habit of blame is almost as hard to get rid of as the shame itself.
You have to take a long deep look at yourself, into those dark corners that you really don't like to peek at, and realize that you're not as bad as you think you are. That no matter how many problems you think you have, you've done some stuff right, and in teh end that's what matters. Your darkest self-doubts are never as large in the light of day as they are at night when they whisper to you the lies that you make yourself belive.
Then you have to realize that you do like youself, as a whole. Some parts may benifit from a tune-up, but you're you. That central self is someone that you like- if you let yourself be honest, you can't help but. And your friends, the people who care about you, they like that central you too.
Everything else is window dressing. Window dressing can matter, yes, but you always have the option not to take it seriously. Roll with the punches, take everything with a grain or a shaker of salt.

The goal of life is to be happy. So do it. Everything else....is just that.



Damn I wax overintellectual at the wee hours.
Ps- Do you go to Sport Rock or Carter Rock? Or both?

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Re: Hi!
[info]slidedc
2002-04-29 12:27 pm UTC (link)
Promise? I need a quick bop upside the head from time to time.

What's Sport Rock and Carter Rock?

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)
Re: Hi!
[info]ogun
2002-04-29 02:09 pm UTC (link)
Woo-hoo! Someone else I can administer a beating to!

Sport Rock is a rock climbing gym, and Carter Rock is an outdoor rock climbing park area.
I've never been to the latter, but my good friend who's a nut for it dragged me to the former a couple times, until we figured out that I can't even boulder for shit, and I manage to give myself rope burn when I belay every single time.
Give me windsurfing any day.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)
Re: Hi!
[info]slidedc
2002-04-30 12:14 pm UTC (link)
Oh yeah. I usually just rock climb with a friend who is an instructor. You give yourself ropeburn? Are you not wearing gloves?

I would love to try the windsurfing.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)
Re: Hi!
[info]ogun
2002-04-30 12:28 pm UTC (link)
I know a number of people in the dc area that do it regularly, including my former boss' lover, who is an instructor as well as being an EMT paramedic.
It's just not my speed, though. Not sure why.
If I did it again I'd wear gloves, but we were doing it with rope harnessess- I didn't particularly want to buy equipment for my first attempt. I just didn't stop it properly, it was my own damn fault. I did manage to stop my friend before he slammed into the rocks some 12 feet below, though.

I love anything to do with the water. Windsurfing, sailing, scuba diving, snorkeling, just swimming, driving a motorboat, waterskiing, kneeboarding....everything.
I've never parasailed, and I've yet to have the time/money to get certified to dive alone.
Windsurfing is....sailing without a boat, really. Very similair to how you go on a Lazer or a SunFish (small -very fast- one-person boats).
The only problem is if you get tired, you're fucked untill you get rested enough. You are doing with your arms what it usually takes several pulleys and ropes to do.
I really miss doing that stuff, but it's harder to do down here in Houston.
Hell, I haven't been swimming in like a month, I need to find a pool now to dive into.

Oh, I can't do flips or anything like that. I learned to do it in a cove, and have done most of it in that sort of place or in a lake, so the waves just aren't that high.
But now I'm thinking about what it's like to be -really- cranked out on a lazer, the wind blowing, keeled out as far as you can, and reaching down and touching the knifeboard in the water.
I used to be certified to teach on one man boats....
*chuckle*
i know you didn't ask, but thanks for shoving these memories to the surface.

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